You have just broken up with your ex or exes? And now feel like dating again? But is that too soon? Questions that arise quite naturally in such a situation. Finally, one is always told, "First process the separation!" So when are dating after the failure of a relationship useful? And when not? This is the question we want to explore in the following article.
Dating after a separation is useful when..
1.) . You just feel ready for something new again!
When you feel like trying something new. Leaving the old behind you. Because you want to finish with the past. Once and for all.
Why is it so?
It is very important to consciously leave the old behind. To close with this part of the past. Otherwise the separation or. the experiences with her have a direct influence on the new relationship. Injuries can be carried further into it. Or new ones can arise. This should be prevented! And that is why you should first clean up your own demons. Before starting something new.
2.) . the ex could not reactivate the love for you immediately
What I mean by this? No sooner does the ex or exes get back in touch with you than certain feelings come up inside you. You realize: you are still ready for a new beginning with him or her. Even if there is still so much standing between you. So much is unresolved.
You realize yourself that under such circumstances dating makes little sense, or? Therefore: Only agree when the ex can no longer upset you. On ex-ratgeber.info this is also called "emotional independence. On interfe you will find tips on how to achieve this!
Why is that?
Imagine you are dating again. And the two of you quickly get closer. A first kiss occurs – and soon after, the two of you are together. All of a sudden your ex calls. Or write you a message. Suddenly it's all back: the tingling in the stomach at the thought of him or her. The (supposed) prospect of a second try.
And already you are in the middle again. Old feelings reactivated. And this, although by far not everything is clarified between you (if at all). Although certain problems would reappear.
Not to mention the motives of the ex or exes. You don't know if he or she may just want to play with you. To test his or her power. Or if he or she feels lonely right now.
Say: You run the risk of suffering a lot of grief! Therefore you should be very careful.
3.) . you date someone you sincerely love!
You have met someone. Someone with whom it is quite wonderful. you feel completely comfortable in his or her presence. Trust him or her. And you bring him or her sincere feelings of love.
If he or she is the right one, then go for it! Do not postpone. Because that hardly makes sense. But communicate your situation openly. That the old relationship was not too long ago. It is only fair to the new one!
Why is that?
Feelings we do not choose. They just happen. And it is sometimes the case that you meet your dream partner shortly after the off. In such a case one should accept this gift. And not throw away.
4.) . he or she is not a comfort
Unfortunately, I observe again and again: Many relationships are only started shortly after the end in order not to have to be alone any longer. The or the new one serves in this case only as a consolation plaster. As an assurance to no longer go through life lonely and alone. But in such a case the new guy or girl is only a means to an end. And these are not good conditions for a truly happy relationship. That will last at least years.
Why is that so?
Especially after separations we tend to look for comforters. Because we feel lonely, worthless, not sufficiently lovable.
Therefore we are grateful for every little affection. Such affection can also be found quickly. If you now realize that it was only comfort and not love, it ends with even more heartache and a guilty conscience. So better leave it alone from the start! And question your motives to start a relationship with this very partner.
5.) . the emotional chaos comes to an end
Who does not know that: After a separation the feelings play first of all madly. Anger, sadness, longing, despair are now all in the mix. Seem to leave you no more quiet minute. In short: The emotional chaos is raging. And you have the sensation of seemingly having no control over them anymore.
Why is that?
The danger to tend to hasty actions resp. to carry out this, increases massively in such a state of emergency. But we are not doing ourselves any good with this! Therefore we should definitely give ourselves time. Time to process it all. The separation, to be precise. That lasts. And demands a lot from us! But it's always better than committing to someone when we're not really back together yet. As a rule, we then find ourselves with people who don't really suit us.
Therefore: For new encounters with the right person we have to be ready. This does not work, however, if we still have to process the separation internally!
Is dating after a breakup useful or not – pay attention to these 3 rules:
1.) What does your gut tell you?
Are you more in the mode of "I currently just want to get my peace and my emotions back in check"? Then dating is not a good idea. Especially not as a distraction or to give comfort. Because it only creates further emotional stress!
Have already met someone special who you think "he/she is the one"? Then go for it! However, please take it easy. And communicate absolutely the separation processing! So he/she can adjust to it.
2.) Why do you want to date – question!
Do you want to date to distract yourself?
Not a good idea. See above. For what would you think of dating only as a distraction? Being seen as a pastime from the start? It's not very flattering, is it?.
Want to date him or her because the person is interesting?
Makes sense – but you should communicate the breakup openly. So that the other person knows where he stands with you. That you might want to slow down a bit. It's only fair to him or her.
Do you want to date because you are afraid of loneliness?
I have already dealt with this above and addressed it. Especially when we've been dumped, we feel like a failure in some tough moments. Because we were apparently not "good enough. Because we did not succeed in keeping the ex partner.
Add to that the fear of loneliness. A fear that is deeply rooted in every human being. Especially in such stressful moments this fear comes up again. And not infrequently it leads us to commit to someone rashly. Simply so that we no longer have to be alone. But you probably already know: This is not a good idea.
Do you want to date because you are looking for validation?
That often happens when we have been abandoned. For the same reasons as fear of loneliness! Some people need this reassurance more than others. That from the side of friends and family is not enough. That's why they go on dates. In the hope of being able to meet as soon as possible (!) to attract someone to a new relationship. And the new guy or girl is supposed to give them the confirmation they seem to need.
But: This is not fair either. And usually this reassurance is not enough. Because it cannot be accepted. Only those who are at peace with themselves can receive such compliments. etc really believe! And also accept.
Conclusion
Dating shortly after the breakup? Not a simple question. Because you should first find out for yourself if you are ready for it at all. Or if one is still working through the old relationship and breakup. However, having completed this is the most important prerequisite for a new and happy relationship. Because this is the only way not to carry these "old burdens" into the new partnership. This is the only way to be unencumbered and unbiased, free of hurt and co with the new guy or girl. And really get involved with him or her.
Unfortunately, some people do not question their own motives when they start dating again. Such motives can be, for example, fear of loneliness or seeking validation. However, this would be anything but fair to the new guy or girl. And a heavy mortgage for the new relationship. It is therefore all the more important to process everything first! Once this is done, once you can think back more or less neutrally to the ex or exes as well as the breakup, it makes sense to start dating again.